Incidentally, I Love You

2009-12-04T22:39:00.002-06:00

A sea of insomnia

2009-11-22T15:28:00.001-06:00

A sea of insomnia,
my soul teases with hints of tired eyes and weak limbs,
but they are all fabrications of the way I want to feel.

The quality of night no longer depends on who I spent it with,
but how long I stay up afterwards considering and revisiting it inside my head.

My head,
my cartoon head,
where everything is more colorful and precious and I can view it in anyway I'd like.

This is my boat at sea,
my cracked sails are just a memory,
my comatose oars an old accompany,
my clouded lantern a simple telescopic light,
my cramped breeze an immensely cold bite,
these are my friends through endless night.

What you tried to say but never thought.

2009-11-21T19:56:00.001-06:00

Ian-
roads resurfaced
unsurfaced
driving slow
with no
destination
cheap cigarettes and an empty tank of gas
where do we go from here?
repairing bridged i've already burned
sharp right on ivy lane

crooked mailboxes
stretching out towards the street
reaching out like helpless scrawny arms
as if to grasp the cars
as they float by
and in the sky
stars burst with light
explosions in night
oh, my glorious, good friend night
in god we lust
good night.

Kirsten-
Driving fast
Trying to reach every destination we never planned on traveling to
Hooked on what we can't have
Burning holes in our stomachs with the food we've painted for
crooked mailboxes
waiting for the night to come so that their bodies can stretch
stretch and scratch the road
stars burst through the light into the darkness of our skin
seeking every speck and spark and twinkle within

oh, my glorious other, good friend night
hold hands with me in day sometime
hold hands with me tonight.

Tattoo

2009-10-25T16:53:00.002-05:00

After much debate (a little over a year) I have finally decided to get a tattoo. I was unsure as to the subject as well as the location, but have decided on my left forearm, near my elbow. Here are two pictures (the only two I could find on the entire internet, shows me that this IS the unique tattoo I've been trying to locate for a very long time) of the tattoo, although the first has three, I only want one. Also- it will be squared, not slanted in any way.
(1)

(2)

The second is the one that gave me inspiration for the idea of a permanent piece of the tattoo, but also the ability for change and conversion. I love the idea of creating a canvas on the body, but still having effervescent alteration and daily creative license over the tattoo.
<3

Do you spell your name with capitals?

2009-10-10T09:44:00.002-05:00

I seem to be my only enemy. I'm the only thing that gets in the way of...well...me.

2009-09-28T12:39:00.003-05:00

2009-09-17T13:39:00.001-05:00

Wavering, almost painfully protesting the wind, you smile at me from afar.
The only reason why you left and the only reason why I’m scared and the only reason why you got yourself into this in the first place was because of me.
It is all on me you say.
“But how could this have ever happened or come to pass without you?” is my ever-implied comeback.
I don’t blame you for leaving me though.
If I were given the ability to have my soul possess some other creature or being than myself, I would flee across the world, out of sight, away from my marrow and my blood and my skeleton.

All the things that remind me I’m me.

Why can’t I contain myself long enough to figure out where I’m located anymore?
Somehow I always find myself waking up next to strangers, wearing clothes I’ve never owned, walking to places that don’t even exist.

And to think that all I ever wanted to do was go back to sleep.

You've always been ready.

2009-09-17T13:35:00.000-05:00

You’re too big now baby, too big for me to carry in. And I don’t want to wake you up either…I think I’ll recline here and observe your dreaming body to pass the time. Tightly clutching the seatbelt around your waist, you murmur several secrets over the next few minutes…but I haven’t seen you this still and calmed in weeks. How does sleep reduce giants to mere babes, and monsters to delicate nymph-like creatures who demand nothing more than your occasional glances and whispered praises? What is this demon, sleep? This angel that overtakes every soul in the night? You stir slightly, like the song of your dreams is transitioning from the verse to the final chorus. Your palpitant hands…they act as if they’re chasing after a being outside of this realm, like they’re catching a voice or taking on a battered warrior. Absolutely nothing in me wants to waken your reality-deadened body to light, but I think you’re ready. You’ve always been ready.

Sluggish Semi-human

2009-09-15T01:07:00.003-05:00

Today hurt. Really bad.

I can't sleep and I can't eat and I'm just glazing through life like I'm some kind of sluggish semi-human.

I won't drown in it, it's only a puddle.

It's just a little big, that's all.

Stupid stupid

2009-09-12T14:02:00.003-05:00

I'm not usually the type of person who would rip on someone I don't even know, but this is ridiculous.

2009-09-07T19:36:00.002-05:00

Staring at the sun until I go blind,

is it really time to say goodbye?

I saw you in the other sky

but I'm sure if I really tied

the knot tight enough,

then everything would be calm, not rough.

I think I can breathe,

if only I could see

with something other than time,

and think in some other way than rhymes,

then I would see the other side despite my height.

Sadly, dreams only last at night

and then the fight

of bitter rays starts to bite

my lids,

let

know

I'm

still

alive.

Quiet

2009-09-06T23:06:00.001-05:00

Laying in bed with a massive migraine, just turned out the lights. It seems when I leave for the weekend my room becomes a free-for-all, I managed to lose three pillows and gain a desk, a bass guitar, and various dirty laundry.

I'm watching Milk. Again.

Tomorrow is Lolo's photoshoot and a date with my mommy.

I hope it will be a Funday Monday and not a Migraine Monday.

I'm hooked on The Dear Hunter again. Their new album, Act III, is sensational in every way.

Moderation

2009-09-05T23:49:00.004-05:00

Observations from September 4th, 2009

Numero Uno: speaking in Spanish always makes you sound cooler.

Numero Dos: having kids is your biggest opportunity to be creative, so, be creative. Don't name your kid Chuck or Dan or Beth. BORING.

Numero Tres: strawberries make everything better.

Numero Cuatro: fish are friends, not food, not furry, and definitely not fun.

Numero Cinco: just because you think something is the way it is doesn't mean it is the way you think it is.

The end.

Oh, epic pause....anticipate....picture of the day.

Photo Shoot.

2009-09-02T08:50:00.020-05:00

Samantha and Nicole from Bumble and Bumble came into Navii for class day and I ended up being a model, getting a hair cut and an awesome style for free! They gave me some really neat products too :)

These are some pictures I took, Nicole cut my hair and they both styled it, I did my make up and clothes.

Strawberry Fields Forever.

2009-08-31T22:52:00.010-05:00

The Beatles were my sunshine today, listening to Strawberry Fields made me decide that the best possible thing to ingest would be one of them. One time when I was younger, perhaps 10-11 or so, I was snooping in the basement and started going through some cardboard boxes. First thing I found was an old mix tape that my dad sent my mom when he was stationed in Germany, and everything on there was by The Beatles. That was some of the first music my ears ever heard and liked.

Spent my night watching Harry Potter with my 3 younger siblings, Briana, Chloe, and Uncle Mark. Chlo and I took pictures, she was mesmerized by my camera ;)

Now I'm laying in bed with Jess and Bri watching 28 Days Later, neither of them have ever seen it so I'm anticipating a lot of screaming on their part.

Because.

2009-08-30T18:51:00.001-05:00

Because I'm sick because I'm not sleeping because I'm not tired because this bed is cold because I'm anxious because I don't know what to do because I need you because my face misses being kissed because I want to go home because I don't want to get up tomorrow because I'm not hungry because I haven't seen the moon in two weeks because i don't like people anymore because everyone fell asleep because nobody listens because I wish I had something to say because no one will ever look at my pictures because I have to watch movies alone because enough is never enough because I feel the way I used to because I miss you because I feel crummy because I got hurt so bad it made me cry.

Run.

2009-08-30T18:33:00.000-05:00

After you walked in the door I started to wonder why you ever came here. I think you knew from the beginning that there would never be anything or anyone here for you, and somehow I developed a dependency on you before I could realize that you don't need me. You don't actually need me; not me, or anything about me. Whatever really does hold you here? I don't think I will know. You sat there unaware of thoughts that were infesting me....I told myself to go slowly but all I did was run.

Once.

2009-08-30T17:53:00.001-05:00

He kissed my neck the morning after and left the bed and next time I saw him, he wasn't the same person. I changed him and he changed me and suddenly we weren't the same, we had nothing in common except the short span of sometimes-love that we once shared but no longer remembered.

Sun.

2009-08-29T20:47:00.002-05:00

The sun glints off your eyelashes in the most peculiar way, as though it's pulling gold from them, from your eyes. Your nose is defined by a soft glow, a tiny sparkle from the rays. I don't understand how metallics can enter your skin and hover right below the surface, but they do. Your skin has a pretty texture...I wouldn't tell you that for fear of scaring you with my thoughts, I don't think you wanted to be pretty. Hair sticks up off your head in weird patterns...somehow I convinced you to let me cut it. You said you wanted to look in the mirror and see me in you all the time, you wanted me to make my mark on you. Scissors seemed logical at the time, but now you look like a silly fool.
A silly fool in love.
I will never find another you.

It's not that I find beauty in ordinary things,
it's just that everything is beautiful.
Everything.

Oh hello.

2009-08-29T20:45:00.000-05:00

Oh hello.
I was just thinking about you in hopes that you would call and I would be able to say "I was just thinking about you!" as if it were some sort of hugely absurd situation that had just gone down. But you didn't. That is, you didn't call. Maybe you were thinking about me too, thinking that perhaps I would call and say "oh hello" and then you would say "I was just thinking about you!" but the chances of that are quite slim my logic tells me. I don't think you think about me. But that's okay. As long as I'm allowed to think about you I'll be just fine.

I think.

Lost My Marbles

2009-06-12T20:02:00.002-05:00

I was taking the toys to the trash, accidentally dropped the chinese checkers on the way. Oops. Bouncing chasing escaping running gleaming leaping glorious balls of glass. Nobody knows what it's like to be one of them. They lay in the grass now, undisturbed by the constant motion of the wind or the miniature bug creatures or the tickling rays of sunlight. The shine makes colors dance in the grass and dare I say I saw them ease up onto the concrete in a form they learned in some ancient place. Perhaps you were there. Perhaps you saw nothing. Perhaps if it had been you, you would have only dropped the toy, cursed, and walked away. Or maybe you would have seen something too.

2009-06-02T00:42:00.001-05:00

Please give me parachute dreams. I want to watch the stars get smaller, like tiny diamonds in my memories.

Walmart?

2009-05-31T01:33:00.001-05:00

Walmart?

2009-05-26T15:39:00.004-05:00

Where do we go from here?
The words are coming out all weird
Where are you now, when I need you
Alone on an aeroplane
Fall asleep on against the window pane
My blood will thicken

2009-05-25T14:08:00.001-05:00

Older chests reveal themselves
Like a crack in a wall
Starting small, and grow in time
And we all seem to need the help
Of someone else
To mend that shelf
of too many books
Read me your favourite line

Like time, there's always time
On my mind
So pass me by, I'll be fine
Just give me time

Yeah, I know how to have fun ;)

2009-05-24T23:59:00.001-05:00

Yeah, I know how to have fun ;)

Shhhhhh, it's a secret.

2009-05-23T12:59:00.001-05:00

Shhhhhh, it's a secret.

2009-05-20T14:41:00.006-05:00

2009-04-27T00:19:00.001-05:00

2 Corinthians 1:3-7 "all praise to the God and Father of our Master, Jesus the Messiah! He comes alongside us when we go through hard times, and before you know it, He brings us alongside someone else who is going through hard times so that we can be there for that person just as God was there for us. We have plenty of hard times that come from following the Messiah, but no more so than the good times of his healing comfort- we get a full measure of that too. When we suffer for Jesus, it works out for your healing and salvation. If we are treated well, given a helping hand and encouraging wore, that also works to your benefit. Your hard times are also our hard times. When we see that you're just as willing to endure the hard times as to enjoy the good times, we know you are going to make it, no doubt about it."

Twinsss!

2009-04-23T22:57:00.001-05:00

Twins! :)

2009-04-17T18:40:00.001-05:00

Part time cold mess. Michigan did not kiss me with sunshine.

Strawberry fields forever

2009-04-02T21:17:00.000-05:00

Strawberry fields forever

Part-time hot mess

2009-03-31T19:01:00.000-05:00

Part-time hot mess

I miss my silly face

2009-03-27T17:42:00.001-05:00

I miss my silly face

2009-03-24T23:46:00.000-05:00

The heat kicks on and Brand New shuffles through my ipod and I'm still in wonder. I think I'll get up and turn off the lights and lay in the dark for a few minutes, which will end up feeling like days, but what is time when you sleep alone?

I have no attention span in class

2009-03-23T22:11:00.001-05:00

I have no attention span in class....

Today was kind of perfect I think. I'm not really sure why. I think that God has really blessed me with friends who love me even when I'm sort of a hopeless mess.

I've seem to come to the point where it's hard to talk about big things.
It's never been hard until now.

2009-03-23T12:12:00.001-05:00

A heart shaped head, heart shaped lips, heart shaped feet and heart shaped hips. love makes the world go round love makes the world go round

2009-03-23T00:44:00.001-05:00

"It probably gets lonely to be Grandma, don't you think?" i told her, "it probably gets pretty lonely to be anyone."

I collect things I find on my runs

2009-03-22T19:16:00.000-05:00

I collect things I find on my runs

2009-03-11T21:07:00.001-05:00

Sometimes I wish I knew what you were saying.

2009-03-01T11:06:00.001-06:00

"oh why do you leave me?"

2009-02-27T12:28:00.001-06:00

Silly face

(secret: i just gave my cat a citrus altoid. She kinda sorta not really liked it.)

anyways, i got a letter from Alyx last night which was pretty neat-o. Caleb gave me Em's glasses because Bri broke mine. Oh and I went out to Dairy Queen last night (which they remodeled by the way, looks awesome) with some friends and I got a blizzard and now my tummy hurts.

I work today til 6:30 and then i'm going to get my bookcase and maybe something from Starbucks :) because I haven't been there in a while.

2009-02-26T13:17:00.003-06:00

Sometimes the world makes me sad.

2009-02-26T13:17:00.001-06:00

Rainy-day-passenger-seat-no-sleep-blues

2009-02-26T02:04:00.001-06:00

Part-time rockstar

2009-02-26T02:03:00.001-06:00

I hope my babies will be this pretty.
And that my kitties will be this nice.
;)

2009-02-25T11:27:00.001-06:00

I want to hide somewhere....

2009-02-24T12:49:00.001-06:00

Something you don't know....

My front door knob is upside down.

2009-02-23T20:53:00.000-06:00

Make a wish....

2009-02-23T12:09:00.001-06:00

Bored in class, taking pictures of the ceiling....

2009-02-22T21:41:00.000-06:00

He touched me perfectly; it had a flawless air about it. Not too hesistant, and also lacking in boldness. He was so normal in his movement that i never should have thought about it again. Or maybe I should, because of the fact that no one else had ever possessed a touch in such an average way....so I did. I thought and dreamed and sparkled and left. I left every other thing so I could devote myself
entirely to that moment.

2009-02-22T21:38:00.000-06:00

Well I try
(with my uneven eyes)
and blue lights
(and long nights)

yup, i think its gonna be a song ;-)

Cutting my hair...

2009-02-19T10:49:00.000-06:00

here's what my hair looks like now (well at least two weeks ago, I dyed it yesterday and now it's a bit darker red)

and I think this is what I'm doing to it very soon-this asymmetrical look, except longer on the left side

And then I'll pull all my hair into the bangs, really chunky looking

First Things First...

2009-02-19T10:22:00.000-06:00

After a night of snow, all I want to do is sleep.

Listening to Circa Survive isn't helping it either...

I miss this day...

this made me smile